How to Navigate Tantrums Effectively

I was recently speaking to a parent who was at her wits’ end over tantrums. Mom described how her child would scream and slap herself when she did not get what she wanted. Of course, mom had always heard that she should ignore this behavior, so she tried to do just that. While attempting to ignore her daughter’s meltdown, mom tried to make sense of her behavior. Mom eventually convinced herself of a variety of excuses to justify why her daughter behaved this way; maybe she was hungry, tired, or sick. Finally, mom gave in and consoled her because she is a loving mother. It broke her heart to ignore the child who, as she convinced herself, was clearly suffering from something much worse than being told that she couldn’t have another cookie.

It is part of our makeup as parents to love our children and do whatever it takes to make it “all better.” It is our responsibility to keep them safe and it feels good to make them happy, especially when they are “suffering.” It seems counter-intuitive to go against that urge to nurture, but I believe that there are times when not giving them your attention is the best thing for them.

I understand how impossible or cruel ignoring a child may seem to some, but hear me out and your impression may change. This ignoring thing works, and it can improve the daily lives of the whole family when done effectively.

Ignore: It sounds simple enough, but for best results, especially with young or developmentally disabled children and adults, it should be both structured and consistent. When it is approached this way we often call it planned ignoring and the good news is that anyone can do it!

Planned ignoring is simply giving some thought, ahead of time, to the behavior that you wish to manage and how you choose to address it, or in this case, not address it.

Once you have decided to target a specific maladaptive behavior, it helps to have all caregivers on board with the plan, if possible. This could be parents, grandparents, older siblings, cousins, or the mailman. Whoever will be present on this journey into behavior modification can be your ally. The more support the better, but you really only need one caregiver (yourself) to implement your plan consistently and effectively.

While everyone is familiar with the process of ignoring, what I’m asking you to do is more like extreme ignoring. This practice includes almost complete silence and withdrawal of direct eye contact for the duration of the episode. It sounds simple enough, but I have seen people try to ignore someone while glaring at them and muttering threats under their breath or even by announcing, “I’m ignoring you.” While this may be very satisfying in the moment, these actions can still be very encouraging to the child who happens to be acting out for your attention in the first place. With extreme ignoring, you will only say one word or phrase at the start of the behavior and repeat it every few minutes (keep it infrequent) for the duration. I usually say, “calm down,” or “you need to calm down.” At this time, keep the child and their safety in check through the use of your peripheral vision and calculated glances, while calmly pretending to busy yourself with other things.

Now that you have prepared yourself and the other caregivers, what do you do next when the prescribed planned extreme ignoring event occurs?  All you need to do is monitor the child’s safety, take a deep breath, stay calm, pretend to be involved in something else and…wait. The most important thing, and really the only thing you are doing as the tantrum persists, is staying calm. You must resist the urge to yell, spank, put the child in time out, give in, or cry yourself. Stay strong! You are in control! Your only job is to wait.

But what are we waiting for? We are simply waiting for the meltdown to subside. And it will. When the child is finally calm for a few moments, it is time to reinforce the calmness. I usually say something like, “good calming down.” It helps if you use the same word or phrase every time. Remember, consistency is the key.

Those are the basics for extreme planned ignoring during tantrums or meltdowns. If you follow this advice, you have started yourself on the path to extinguishing tantrum behavior.

What it looks like: Jane is told that she cannot go outside. She throws herself on the floor near the back door in the kitchen. Instead of addressing Jane, I would position myself at a distance far enough away that I‘m not crowding her and far enough away that she can’t touch me, but close enough to see her without making direct eye contact. I could pick some mail up off of the counter and pretend to sort and look at it. I would become engrossed in my pretend activity.  Jane may escalate to screaming or kicking, but as long as she is safe, I would not respond to her in any way. I would continue to wait until I hear and see her begin to relax. When she finally appears relaxed, I would wait just a few seconds more and then give her praise and hugs. I would then tell her “good calming down.”

For best results, here are a few points to consider:

• It is important to understand that it takes time to shape behavior. If having a screaming tantrum usually gets the child what he or she wants, the child is not going to give up on it easily. Most likely, the tantrum will surge before there is a realization that calming down is the new expectation.

• Remember that while certain behaviors such as tantrums can drive parents crazy, your child is not doing it to harm you. He or she is trying to get something they want, assert control, communicate, or simply don’t know how to cope.  With planned ignoring, we are teaching them to cope.

• Remain within view of the child during the behavior. Leaving them alone could be unsafe or cause the behavior to escalate.

• As the adult, you must set the tone. It is important to stay calm. If you are attempting to implement planned ignoring, but are slamming doors and stomping your feet during their episode, you are likely to escalate the situation.

• Try not to engage verbally with the child. Children with verbal skills will sometimes try to engage with you. Hold your ground and set the tone for calm silence until the episode is over.

• Try not to talk about the child in reference to the episode in front of him or her during the event or after the event. In my experience, nonverbal, developmentally disabled children and adults (and even toddlers) have some understanding that they are the subject of conversation among adults, whether good or bad.

• When the event is over, try not to bring it up again. Stay positive and move forward.

• If at any point a tantrum becomes unsafe, address the unsafe behavior with minimal attention. For example, let’s say that while in a tantrum, the child starts to bang his or her head on the floor. Quietly insert a pillow between the child’s head and the floor, and then go back to ignoring. What you have done is carefully interrupt the physical behavior without providing attention to it…

Parenting is not easy! When you add behavior challenges it can be overwhelming. No parent is perfect, but if your child knows that he or she is loved, you are already doing great! Add some boundaries and clear consistent expectations and you will see improvements in their behavior and in turn, your relationship.

Good luck! Thank you for reading!